What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
