Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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