With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
