Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
