First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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