no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
