Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
