he thought i was a dude.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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