My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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