can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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