I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
