I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Randomize
