During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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