It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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