I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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