I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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