Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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