Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
