Define "chronic" masturbator.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize