I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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