Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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