I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
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