I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
high people should be assigned attendants
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
