I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
