Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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