Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
