I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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