haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
