When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize