also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
