So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
