and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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