I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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