maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
