So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
