Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize
