He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
