I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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