highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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