I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
