everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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