Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
