I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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