there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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