I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize