I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
