We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
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