I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Hippo gnu deer
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
