he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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