I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
