Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
