I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Randomize
