the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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