Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
